Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t

Dear Chick,

Here are a few social guidelines for you to follow:

1. You are expected to look and be sexy.

2. However, if you look TOO sexy, you will be deemed slutty/whorish/trashy.

3. You will be constantly compared to other women and rated on a scale of 1-10.

4.  When the insecurity gets to you and you become defensive in your competition with other women, you will be deemed a crazy bitch.

5.  You cannot afford to even THINK about going above a size six.

6.  Guys think it is cool when a girl orders a cheeseburger and beer on a first date.

7.  In order to attract men, you want to look as much like a supermodel as possible.

8.  If you spend too much time on your looks, you will be deemed a shallow bimbo.  (FYI: Guys don’t like girls who are high-maintenance.  Guys also find it annoying when you take too long to get ready and thinks your beauty routines are ridiculous.)

9.  Be a seductress, but be virginal at the same time.  That’s hot.

10. You want to be desired by men and should not be a lonely spinster.

11. However, don’t be too desperate/needy/clingy.

12. Stores sell women’s pants with very useless pockets, or pockets that are sewn shut.

13. You look crazy if your purse is too big, and might be nicknamed “bag lady” by other people.

14. People think you are overly emotional.

15. All of your emotions will be attributed to your physiological attributes such as estrogen, progesterone, and monthly periods.  Just know they will never be validated as actual, human feelings.

Also know that:

16.  If you say yes to sex, you’re a slut.

17.  If you say no to sex, you hate all the nice men.

If you follow all these rules, you should smooth-sail your way through life with no problems and many potential suitors.  Also remember to have fun, smile, and be bubbly at all times.  No pressure or anything.

Love,

Society

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