I’m Just Not That Into ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’

When it comes to unrequited love, our culture tells girls to get over it, because ‘he’s just not that into you’; and guys are allowed to play the ‘nice guy’ card.

We’ve all heard of this book/movie, right?  Here are some gems that come from it:

“We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the
one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.”

What I get from this quote is that women’s emotions are more scary than they are meaningful, and men would rather avoid us when we are feeling them than tell us the truth and verbally communicate with us.  Also, all men think all women will go as far as to end their own lives – and that of their partner’s – upon receiving bad news.  Because we’re all cray, y’all.

“I’m tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.”    

“When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.”

I consider this book the frenemy of dating advice.  This is taking into consideration of the fact that practically 99% of them are directed at females, written by 100+ dating ‘experts’, with random, all-over-the-place advice on how to snag a man.

It isn’t all of the advice in HJNTIY that I have a huge problem with.  I am going to give this Greg guy the benefit of the doubt.  He is tired of seeing women in bullshit relationships.  He wants to clarify that if a guy is giving mixed signals, isn’t calling back, and is being dodgy in any way means it’s time to drop him and move on.  True and solid advice.

But does he have to be so condescending?

“And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.”  

Oh!  Silly us.  It never occurred to us that a guy who initially showed interest in us and asked us out and everything was just playing around all along.  We were too busy being desperate and insecure and naïve to notice the subtexts and hints.

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”  

If I had just waited around being faithful all my life, I would never have gone out on a single date.

What I got from this books is: women should tip-toe around their dates’ inconsiderate habits, immediately let it go, and then go after what they really want all along.  The only reason women are unable to tell the difference between the guys they REALLY want and the assholes is because they completely misunderstood the signals and were overly optimistic.  Guys will go to any length to get the girl he wants.  If a girl wants a guy, she is desperate and needy.  If a guy isn’t dropping anything and running after a girl, he is just not that into her.  So, in the end of the day, women just have to continue waiting by their phones until the day that a guy really IS into them will call.

This book is the frenemy of dating advice because it claims to empower women while, in my opinion, doing the complete opposite.  The advice is patronizing, seems to assume all women are stupid and emotionally unstable, and simply instructs women to walk on eggshells regarding their dates’ whims and desires.  Basically, men are expected to treat us like shit until they don’t, and we are to accept this and continue improving ourselves until we find someone who doesn’t.

Life isn’t that simple.  It is not that easy to avoid/pick the wrong men from the right men.  Sometimes a guy is busy because he is juggling a shit ton of work and family commitments.  Sometimes a guy is busy because he is having an affair.  If he is busy because he is avoiding you, even if you two are going out, then you should probably ask him what’s up.  Even intelligent, secure women get duped and fall into bad relationships, because they didn’t turn out quite as they expected.  The guy seemed sweet at the beginning but then turned out to be a jerk.  Their date deliberately lied or misled them.  Their date is passive-aggressive and doesn’t want to communicate in a mature manner.  It takes awhile to catch on when the wool is being pulled over our eyes.  And if this behavior is as common as Greg makes it out to be in the book, then why did he not pen a book about “How to Facilitate Honest, Respectful, Communication with Your Partners” ? (The title is not as catchy, I admit.)

This is just another book that objectifies women and invalidates our feelings.  If we like a guy, we are desperate.  If we get genuinely angry at another girl, we are catty.  If we get hurt because he left us for another girl, we are jealous and bitter.  If we call a guy to see where we are at, we are crazy!

Here is my two cents (I’m sure you were waiting for it..):  Everyone plunges into the dating world almost, if not completely, clueless.  At minimum, expect your date, and everyone else, to treat you with respect.  If some idiot leaves you hanging, it’s okay to call him asking for a definite answer.  It doesn’t make you crazy – you are a human who deserves honesty and being communicated with.  Also, don’t take rejection personally.  REMEMBER, IT IS OKAY TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND DESIRES, TOO.

Best of luck.

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